Do you know how to love? And hate? A few words about the dangers of love and the benefits of hate
They say that people in general do not know how to love, and from this misfortune and misfortune happen, and humanity suffers from this as a whole, does not develop, and therefore we are still not in paradise (or where anyone wants to be there). This is a misconception, forgive me my categorical. Troubles, misfortunes and other misfortunes happen not because people do not know how to love, but because people do not know how to hate. How do you like this turn? But do not rush to draw conclusions and make value judgments - there is a time for everything. On the next 8 pages I will try to describe in a popular language some different (complex and not very) psychological concepts, phenomena and beliefs, without resorting to professional terminology.
I'll start with love - do people really not know how to love? “To be able to love” - how can this be understood? To begin with, I will say that “being able to love” and “love” are two big differences. I will use the food metaphor, I hope it will be clearer: you can be able to cook food, but at the same time do not cook it. And you can think about yourself “I can cook,” but at the same time any attempts to cook something lead, as a result, to something completely inedible, nauseous or even worse - poisonous.
And if a person sincerely wanted to cook something good, tasty, edible and useful, but having received the opposite as a result of his actions, he would probably put himself and his self-assessment under self-criticism: “I’m good for nothing, I’m not capable of anything , I am a nonentity "or, which is not much better, will put others at risk of criticism:" He / she does not understand anything in sausage cuts. " Well, and similarly for love: “he / she is not capable (on) to love / accept love / to be grateful”, etc.
However, in one and in another case, a person avoids reality and remains in the illusions of previous experience and inherited values. In the end, maybe he tried to cook something tasty from the completely inedible, or there was a catastrophic mistake in the recipe - instead of “1 tsp.” salt "turned out to be" 1 kg. salt. " And instead of understanding what is happening, a person is in a hurry to draw conclusions (about himself or others) and make value judgments.
Something about love became clearer? Probably not. Perhaps because in the three previous paragraphs everything was mixed - “flies with meatballs”, “people with horses” and “wolves with sheep”. So let's begin to divide, i.e. analyze. I will single out three main (I would even say fundamental) components in the context of which we will consider love: feelings, actions and values. Of course, all three contexts are inextricably linked and one follows from the other, but for analysis and understanding it will be necessary to separate.
Love as a feeling, as a feeling of oneself and one’s condition, one’s current experiences and corresponding desires
Is there anything “not to be able to”? It is possible and options for the sea - a person has a lot of defensive reactions (extrusion, cleavage, projection, rationalization, etc.), which are implemented in a million different ways. And almost all of these defenses are aimed at the fact that a person would feel something less, think less and remember something, avoid a particular (for the painful) view of his problem. This “insensitivity” can manifest itself, starting from light deviations and ending with such serious as complete loss of external sensations (complete indistinguishability of the taste eaten, by analogy with food) and internal sensations (indistinguishable hunger / satiation by analogy with food). What problems this can lead to, imagining the life of a person who does not know when he is full and / or when he is hungry and / or who does not distinguish the taste of what he eats.
And if a person, for example, successfully distinguishes his feelings, but does not know what they are called, then it is not difficult and fast to teach him the corresponding names. And by learning to call your feelings a person can start talking about it and communication with the environment will become meaningful. By analogy with food - if earlier, having received a bowl of salted soup, a person refused it, remained hungry, dissatisfied and could not say what was wrong, then, learning to distinguish between his sensations and name his feelings, he would be able to answer: “I don’t to taste, because he is salty. " Understanding one's feelings (external, in response to external influence, or internal) and naming them makes the subsequent dialogue constructive and meaningful.
But if the problem is more serious than the absence of the name of sensations, then the correction takes a completely different direction and the complexity of this process increases many times, and success decreases. If once a person has received a surplus of stimulation of a certain kind, then he may lose sensitivity to this stimulation on the physical / organic level: with hyperstimulation, one can lose sight, hearing, and other sensations. And with insufficient stimulation, the corresponding ability does not develop and, probably, will never develop. And how many here do not make attempts to teach a person “to feel correctly” - they will all end in failure. It is one thing to teach a person to call salting / under salt that he feels, but does not know what to call it, but it is quite another when he has lost the ability to feel (differentiate) the same salinity or sharpness (for example, in the case of extensive and serious burns of the entire tongue).
It turns out that two people with seemingly the same problem, but a couple of sessions with a psychologist is enough for one to correct it, and as a result an excellent result, and another for years to go, but the result is still far from what was desired. But, let's say, everything is good here and a person is aware of what he feels, can notice, distinguish and name it. is that enough?
Love as actions, concrete actions
There are two important components: a “recipe” (a person’s idea of how to / correctly act to demonstrate his feelings and attitude) and efforts to carry it out (concrete work, time and effort expended). If there is a mistake in the recipe, then contacting any professional chef (psychologist, by analogy) for a consultation, you can easily find and correct this mistake .... But will it give the same instant result?
For example, if this recipe is something very significant for a person, is especially valuable, then it is not so easy to change it, despite the seemingly blatant evidence. In the example with culinary recipes, this looks naively: “this recipe was handed down in our family from generation to generation, this is a holy, unbreakable relic” or “I got this recipe from my beloved mom / dad / grandmother / grandfather / etc - I can't change it , because if I change it, then I will betray the beloved person in my memory. ”
And in the case of a person's ideas about “how to love correctly” everything is not so obvious, especially when a person does not realize the personal significance of this “error recipe”. If, however, the food cooked according to this recipe has been eaten since childhood and is so identified with this food (even if it is re (unde) salty / re (underage) fried / re (underage) pepper), then the idea he has anxiety and / or fear of losing himself along with the loss of this familiar, but terrible food. And in this situation, even having received indications of mistakes in the recipe, the person still remains committed to the old recipe - yes, he already knows "where he is mistaken", but does everything as before - steps on the same rake, going still “Love route” / “food recipe”.
So to find where the mistake in the “recipe of love” is not a difficult and long matter. Fix recipe - 30 minutes of consultation. But on the fact that would realize the significance and value of the old recipe and allow yourself to disassociate from it, having gone through many fears and anxieties - it may take months or even years. And then you need to spend a lot of effort to develop the habit of preparing a new recipe, overcoming the resistance of the old habit - this is also time and effort.
And again, a situation arises when two people with the seemingly one and the same problem - “a mistake in the recipe of love” (even when erroneous recipes letter-to-letter repeat each other) - have completely different results. So the first one goes after the session happy and easily changes his life for the better, and the second goes to the same result for many months, and these are months of very unpleasant experiences of his fears and anxieties + many efforts to overcome old habits and form new ones.
And now the second component of love as an action is the work itself. Work and effort and resources and time to spend in order to take action. This is good for children - their love for parents does not require work, and the love of parents for their child (ideally) does not require any work from the child. But this applies only to infantile love - the child loves and loves and does nothing for it. But parents - they do a lot, they do a lot, they spend a lot of their time, their time, their resources. Such is the redistribution of responsibility and the corresponding redistribution of expended forces, with a smooth adjustment of this balance as the child grows up.
But this is ideal, but in reality it does not always work this way. Rather, it is rarely possible to redistribute and balance everything properly. As a result, there will appear “adult children” who believe that love does not require any work and no effort, or “adult parents” carrying opposite attitudes - love is to give all of yourself without a trace, without paying attention to yourself. As you can guess, such “adults” with opposite views of the “work of love” will find each other and complement each other. Paradoxically, but they both need each other in order to preserve such ideas of love. However, such an illusion of newfound love will shatter relatively quickly (from several months to several years), and the harsh everyday life will confront such a couple with the inevitability of daily suffering. And they will be ready to suffer (until the forces and other resources run out), just not to give up their especially valuable, but unbalanced ideas about love and about themselves.
Nevertheless, they have a chance to reach equal "balanced" positions if they learn from each other. Important: not “to learn each other”, but “to learn from each other”, and at the same time! One will have to learn to do something and create some values and thereby take responsibility, and the other will learn to do less, accept some values and thereby give responsibility. And it is possible to learn this. It is difficult, hard, there will be a lot of mistakes and painful moments, but it is possible to learn this and, thus, “grow” to the adult love of two self-sufficient people.
But it sounds so simple in words, in reality everything is not so simple, and distortions in balancing responsibility are difficult and it can be difficult to figure it out on your own. It is difficult because, being part of the “family” system, it is impossible to see all the “family” processes - this is possible only from the outside. And here, it would seem, “a look from the outside,” namely, from moms and dads, grandparents, friends and girlfriends, colleagues and comrades - exactly what you need? Yes, what is needed, but only under one single condition - they do not constitute with you a system of relationships, for example, the system “I + parents” or “I + boyfriend / girlfriend” or others. After all, if they are in a systemic relationship with you, they, being inside this system, also don’t notice much, and don’t even notice that they don’t notice much - they remain absolutely certain that “I can see everything very well from the outside” .
As it is not difficult to guess, this condition is almost never satisfied. This is especially pronounced in the moments of the redistribution of responsibility - when such people “outside the family” take responsibility for your feelings, actions or assessments. For example, when they tell you what you (do not) feel or want, how you (do not) have to react or interpret events when they advise you how to (not) need to act and act when they start to evaluate right / wrong or bad / good. And, by the way, it is very difficult - to learn not to take someone else's responsibility, not to give assessments and life advice. Psychologists are taught this, they are taught for a long time, for many, many years, and it is not always possible to guarantee success in this matter. By chance, however, to meet a non-judgmental attitude in the "wild nature" of human relationships is a very unlikely event.
Love as an estimate
The problem begins at the moment when feelings, rather than actions, are evaluable. It is quite correct to evaluate a specific action - then a person will have the opportunity to rethink his behavior and make a reassessment of the value system. When feelings are evaluated, this is perceived as a direct threat to the person himself, his being, his essence (since the senses are not separated from the person, he is identified with them). When a child is confronted with the fact that “your feeling is wrong and for this reason I will not love you,” he becomes anxious about losing the love relationship, as well as his life - for the child this is identical and fixed at the “genetic” level. And what remains to do to a child who almost literally says “I don’t like you like that”? Only one thing - to stop being what it is.
And then, for the purpose of survival, he begins to use violence against himself - to forbid himself certain feelings, desires, beliefs or actions. In general, he will do everything not to be himself. At the same time, the child learns such a model of self-relation as the only possible one, and even if years later there isn’t a person who so appreciated him and scared with the threat of hardening - the grown-up child himself will repeat this model in relationship with himself. And no longer allow yourself to be yourself. And the longing for the lost oneself will not be released. And it's good, if only a longing - there are cases, and where much more serious.
But apart from evaluating love for oneself - to love oneself “right” and not to love oneself “wrong” - one will reproduce the same model in relationships with others: to love and not love another not for your own sake, but for the sake of influencing the other. What do you think, where will such relationships lead? They will reproduce the horror that the child once experienced when he was evaluated by love and frightened by rejection - fear or anxiety will permeate not only the person “from the inside”, but all of his being around him, making his life unbearable. From such an unbearable life you want to escape. Someone will run away into various addictions, someone else will go into oblivion (chemical, alcoholic), someone else will die. Yes, death can also escape, and it is easier and faster than learning how to live without appreciating your feelings, and without evaluating yourself.
Nevertheless, it is possible. To say this is simple - a couple of minutes. This can even be understood in a couple of minutes. But to retrain yourself to treat yourself differently - it takes a lot of time. Sometimes a LOT of time, up to decades. This process can be significantly accelerated by simply observing how someone else treats without value (whether you or the other in your presence will both affect, but in different ways). Remember where you can meet people with a non-judgmental attitude?
We summarize the problems of love
As you can see, at each of the three stages (feelings, actions, assessment) a problem may arise that will affect the quality of life. Moreover, there can be problems at two stages at once, and at three at the same time and not even several at each stage. And they are solved in different ways. The important thing is that in most cases they are solved. Just as important is the fact that in some cases the solution is quick and effective, and in some cases it is long and unpleasant, even painful. With the soul as well as with the body: sometimes aspirin helps with a headache and a plaster from pain in the leg, and sometimes with a headache is sent for brain surgery, and with a pain in the leg it is sent for amputation. Exaggerated, of course, but ... Do not draw conclusions and assumptions based only on the similarity of their symptoms with the symptoms of a neighbor / relative / friend or acquaintance.
However, it is time to return to the beginning - do people know how to love? My answer is that some are able, some learn quickly, some unsuccessful and even successful attempts to love cost a lot of money, and for some it is almost impossible. Well, what's the point of generalization, if there is no one simple, clear and unambiguous answer?
The point is that big problems for a person stem from the inability to love, but even more - from the inability to hate. What the life of a person who does not know how to love sometimes turns into is very sad and tragic. But the fact that a person’s life (and his entire environment, close and not very much) who does not know how to hate can turn into is just a catastrophe. Sometimes a disaster of a personal scale, and sometimes the scale of the planet.
Again, we recall the non-judgmental perception: the feelings themselves (that of love, that of hatred, that of any other) are neither bad nor good, and an attempt to evaluate them leads to very unpleasant consequences.Moreover, the “stigmatization” of hate feelings has much more serious consequences. Above, I demonstrated how a person’s inability to deal with such a “socially acceptable” feeling as love can end. If a person does not learn to deal with his hatred - the consequences will be, as I said, catastrophic. And love and hate - feelings that give a person a very, very much energy, and for what work this energy will be spent - another question.
Могут ли поступки, которые человек свершает «от любви», быть оцененные негативно, как плохие? Такое случается сплошь и рядом – начиная с самого детства, когда ребенок от переизбытка любви творит что-то прекрасное (в его понимании) в подарок своим родителям, попутно испортив или уничтожив что-то ценное, и именно на этой потери концентрируются родители и соответственно оценивают любовь ребенка. И в поведении более зрелых людей можно найти множество примеров, когда поступки «от любви» приводят к очень серьезным и трагичным последствиям, вплоть до смерти человека. Это не секрет и открытием не станет.
Проблема ненависти
А могут ли действия, совершенные «от ненависти» быть оценены положительно? Конечно не все, тем не менее – да, они есть. Но доказать это будет весьма проблематично, поскольку если человеком двигала ненависть, но в тоге он получил социальное признание, то он будет скрывать свой мотив, ибо ненависть социально не ободряется. Причем чем заметнее признание, тем тщательнее нужно скрывать мотив ненависти, если он был – вплоть до того, что бы скрыть его от себя, забыть о нем, вытеснить его из своего сознания. По этому доказать это утверждение будет весьма проблематичным. Но это не значит что оно ошибочно.
Следующий очень важный момент: любовь прекрасно подходит для того, что бы менять себя – адаптироваться, подстраиваться, меняться, а ненависть, соответственно, – что бы менять свое окружение, окружающее пространство, мир вокруг себя. Конечно, это опять лишь мое предположение, которое мне сейчас не доказать, тем не менее… Мне видится крайне неэффективным и не экологичным, когда «энергию любви» человек направляет на изменения кого-то в своем окружении или изменении своего пространства. Посудите сами – если человек любит пространство вокруг себя или другого человека, то зачем его менять? What's the point of this? Это, скорее, наводит на мысль о том, что возможно он не очень то и любит, или любит, но не реального человека из своего окружения, а нечто другое. И пытается, таким образом, видоизменить «неправильное рядом» так, что бы оно соответствовало «правильному представлению внутри меня, которое я люблю». Иными словами – помещая реального человека в прокрустово ложе представлений о любви, и отсекая все лишнее. Причем, делая это отсечение наживо, без анестезии, и со словами о безграничной любви к тому, от кого сейчас отрезают «лишнее».
А вот ненависть как раз прекрасно подходит в качестве источника энергии для изменений окружающего человека пространства и людей в его окружении. И нет, это не значит, что человек должен начать тут же уничтожать свое окружение или делать ему больно – вспомните, ведь все то же самое можно начать делать и из любви. Ненависть потому до сих пор считается социально и лично неприемлемым явлением, что никто никого никогда не обучал ненавидеть и использовать эту энергию в конструктивных, полезных и социально приемлемых целях. Однако ненависть существует и является неотъемлемым переживанием любого человека. Но в силу повсеместного социального и личного «клеймения» ненависти – нормальным считается максимально отгородиться от этого чувства. Но это никак не поможет человеку с ним справиться и тем более направить в конструктивное русло. И более того – приводит к неконтролируемым проявлениям ненависти в адрес самого себя (что уничтожает человека изнутри) или в адрес окружения.
А поскольку все это (и чувства, и действия, и оценка ненависти) человеку неприятны – он стремиться избежать ответственности за них. И с удовольствием делегирует ее тем, кто будет использовать их личную ненависть в своих корыстных целях. Соберите и возглавьте пару десятков человек, которые не умеют обходиться со своей ненавистью, избегают ответственности за нее и с нетерпением делегируют ее вам – и вот они уже с упоением устраивают погромы по велению лишь тонких ваших намеков. Пару сотен – уже митинг, пару тысяч – уже революция. А восьмая часть страны – уже война.
Так и скажите теперь, пожалуйста – если бы люди умели ненавидеть, не избегали бы ответственности за свою ненависть, умели бы ее направлять в конструктивное русло по осознанному изменению окружающего пространства и не позволяли бы кому-то другому руководить их ненавистью – каким бы стал мир тогда?..
Вот, собственно и все что я хотел сказать. Ненависть – не есть что-то ужасное, что нужно «клеймить и выжигать» или с чем нужно бороться. Наоборот – именно эта борьба и приводит к столь печальным последствиям, которые приписывают ненависти. Свою ненависть можно понять, принять, и научаться с ней обходиться. Да, сделать это будет еще тяжелее, чем научиться любить. Но потому эта задача не менее, а может даже и более важная. Кроме того – существенная часть «проблем любви» находит свое разрешение только через адекватное обхождение со своей ненавистью. Закончу простым пожеланием: учитесь любить и брать ответственность за свою любовь – это поможет Вам изменить себя к лучшему, учитесь ненавидеть и брать ответственность за свою ненависть – это поможет Вам изменить мир к лучшему.
I'll start with love - do people really not know how to love? “To be able to love” - how can this be understood? To begin with, I will say that “being able to love” and “love” are two big differences. I will use the food metaphor, I hope it will be clearer: you can be able to cook food, but at the same time do not cook it. And you can think about yourself “I can cook,” but at the same time any attempts to cook something lead, as a result, to something completely inedible, nauseous or even worse - poisonous.
And if a person sincerely wanted to cook something good, tasty, edible and useful, but having received the opposite as a result of his actions, he would probably put himself and his self-assessment under self-criticism: “I’m good for nothing, I’m not capable of anything , I am a nonentity "or, which is not much better, will put others at risk of criticism:" He / she does not understand anything in sausage cuts. " Well, and similarly for love: “he / she is not capable (on) to love / accept love / to be grateful”, etc.
However, in one and in another case, a person avoids reality and remains in the illusions of previous experience and inherited values. In the end, maybe he tried to cook something tasty from the completely inedible, or there was a catastrophic mistake in the recipe - instead of “1 tsp.” salt "turned out to be" 1 kg. salt. " And instead of understanding what is happening, a person is in a hurry to draw conclusions (about himself or others) and make value judgments.
Something about love became clearer? Probably not. Perhaps because in the three previous paragraphs everything was mixed - “flies with meatballs”, “people with horses” and “wolves with sheep”. So let's begin to divide, i.e. analyze. I will single out three main (I would even say fundamental) components in the context of which we will consider love: feelings, actions and values. Of course, all three contexts are inextricably linked and one follows from the other, but for analysis and understanding it will be necessary to separate.
Love as a feeling, as a feeling of oneself and one’s condition, one’s current experiences and corresponding desires
Is there anything “not to be able to”? It is possible and options for the sea - a person has a lot of defensive reactions (extrusion, cleavage, projection, rationalization, etc.), which are implemented in a million different ways. And almost all of these defenses are aimed at the fact that a person would feel something less, think less and remember something, avoid a particular (for the painful) view of his problem. This “insensitivity” can manifest itself, starting from light deviations and ending with such serious as complete loss of external sensations (complete indistinguishability of the taste eaten, by analogy with food) and internal sensations (indistinguishable hunger / satiation by analogy with food). What problems this can lead to, imagining the life of a person who does not know when he is full and / or when he is hungry and / or who does not distinguish the taste of what he eats.
And if a person, for example, successfully distinguishes his feelings, but does not know what they are called, then it is not difficult and fast to teach him the corresponding names. And by learning to call your feelings a person can start talking about it and communication with the environment will become meaningful. By analogy with food - if earlier, having received a bowl of salted soup, a person refused it, remained hungry, dissatisfied and could not say what was wrong, then, learning to distinguish between his sensations and name his feelings, he would be able to answer: “I don’t to taste, because he is salty. " Understanding one's feelings (external, in response to external influence, or internal) and naming them makes the subsequent dialogue constructive and meaningful.
But if the problem is more serious than the absence of the name of sensations, then the correction takes a completely different direction and the complexity of this process increases many times, and success decreases. If once a person has received a surplus of stimulation of a certain kind, then he may lose sensitivity to this stimulation on the physical / organic level: with hyperstimulation, one can lose sight, hearing, and other sensations. And with insufficient stimulation, the corresponding ability does not develop and, probably, will never develop. And how many here do not make attempts to teach a person “to feel correctly” - they will all end in failure. It is one thing to teach a person to call salting / under salt that he feels, but does not know what to call it, but it is quite another when he has lost the ability to feel (differentiate) the same salinity or sharpness (for example, in the case of extensive and serious burns of the entire tongue).
It turns out that two people with seemingly the same problem, but a couple of sessions with a psychologist is enough for one to correct it, and as a result an excellent result, and another for years to go, but the result is still far from what was desired. But, let's say, everything is good here and a person is aware of what he feels, can notice, distinguish and name it. is that enough?
Love as actions, concrete actions
There are two important components: a “recipe” (a person’s idea of how to / correctly act to demonstrate his feelings and attitude) and efforts to carry it out (concrete work, time and effort expended). If there is a mistake in the recipe, then contacting any professional chef (psychologist, by analogy) for a consultation, you can easily find and correct this mistake .... But will it give the same instant result?
For example, if this recipe is something very significant for a person, is especially valuable, then it is not so easy to change it, despite the seemingly blatant evidence. In the example with culinary recipes, this looks naively: “this recipe was handed down in our family from generation to generation, this is a holy, unbreakable relic” or “I got this recipe from my beloved mom / dad / grandmother / grandfather / etc - I can't change it , because if I change it, then I will betray the beloved person in my memory. ”
And in the case of a person's ideas about “how to love correctly” everything is not so obvious, especially when a person does not realize the personal significance of this “error recipe”. If, however, the food cooked according to this recipe has been eaten since childhood and is so identified with this food (even if it is re (unde) salty / re (underage) fried / re (underage) pepper), then the idea he has anxiety and / or fear of losing himself along with the loss of this familiar, but terrible food. And in this situation, even having received indications of mistakes in the recipe, the person still remains committed to the old recipe - yes, he already knows "where he is mistaken", but does everything as before - steps on the same rake, going still “Love route” / “food recipe”.
So to find where the mistake in the “recipe of love” is not a difficult and long matter. Fix recipe - 30 minutes of consultation. But on the fact that would realize the significance and value of the old recipe and allow yourself to disassociate from it, having gone through many fears and anxieties - it may take months or even years. And then you need to spend a lot of effort to develop the habit of preparing a new recipe, overcoming the resistance of the old habit - this is also time and effort.
And again, a situation arises when two people with the seemingly one and the same problem - “a mistake in the recipe of love” (even when erroneous recipes letter-to-letter repeat each other) - have completely different results. So the first one goes after the session happy and easily changes his life for the better, and the second goes to the same result for many months, and these are months of very unpleasant experiences of his fears and anxieties + many efforts to overcome old habits and form new ones.
And now the second component of love as an action is the work itself. Work and effort and resources and time to spend in order to take action. This is good for children - their love for parents does not require work, and the love of parents for their child (ideally) does not require any work from the child. But this applies only to infantile love - the child loves and loves and does nothing for it. But parents - they do a lot, they do a lot, they spend a lot of their time, their time, their resources. Such is the redistribution of responsibility and the corresponding redistribution of expended forces, with a smooth adjustment of this balance as the child grows up.
But this is ideal, but in reality it does not always work this way. Rather, it is rarely possible to redistribute and balance everything properly. As a result, there will appear “adult children” who believe that love does not require any work and no effort, or “adult parents” carrying opposite attitudes - love is to give all of yourself without a trace, without paying attention to yourself. As you can guess, such “adults” with opposite views of the “work of love” will find each other and complement each other. Paradoxically, but they both need each other in order to preserve such ideas of love. However, such an illusion of newfound love will shatter relatively quickly (from several months to several years), and the harsh everyday life will confront such a couple with the inevitability of daily suffering. And they will be ready to suffer (until the forces and other resources run out), just not to give up their especially valuable, but unbalanced ideas about love and about themselves.
Nevertheless, they have a chance to reach equal "balanced" positions if they learn from each other. Important: not “to learn each other”, but “to learn from each other”, and at the same time! One will have to learn to do something and create some values and thereby take responsibility, and the other will learn to do less, accept some values and thereby give responsibility. And it is possible to learn this. It is difficult, hard, there will be a lot of mistakes and painful moments, but it is possible to learn this and, thus, “grow” to the adult love of two self-sufficient people.
But it sounds so simple in words, in reality everything is not so simple, and distortions in balancing responsibility are difficult and it can be difficult to figure it out on your own. It is difficult because, being part of the “family” system, it is impossible to see all the “family” processes - this is possible only from the outside. And here, it would seem, “a look from the outside,” namely, from moms and dads, grandparents, friends and girlfriends, colleagues and comrades - exactly what you need? Yes, what is needed, but only under one single condition - they do not constitute with you a system of relationships, for example, the system “I + parents” or “I + boyfriend / girlfriend” or others. After all, if they are in a systemic relationship with you, they, being inside this system, also don’t notice much, and don’t even notice that they don’t notice much - they remain absolutely certain that “I can see everything very well from the outside” .
As it is not difficult to guess, this condition is almost never satisfied. This is especially pronounced in the moments of the redistribution of responsibility - when such people “outside the family” take responsibility for your feelings, actions or assessments. For example, when they tell you what you (do not) feel or want, how you (do not) have to react or interpret events when they advise you how to (not) need to act and act when they start to evaluate right / wrong or bad / good. And, by the way, it is very difficult - to learn not to take someone else's responsibility, not to give assessments and life advice. Psychologists are taught this, they are taught for a long time, for many, many years, and it is not always possible to guarantee success in this matter. By chance, however, to meet a non-judgmental attitude in the "wild nature" of human relationships is a very unlikely event.
Love as an estimate
The problem begins at the moment when feelings, rather than actions, are evaluable. It is quite correct to evaluate a specific action - then a person will have the opportunity to rethink his behavior and make a reassessment of the value system. When feelings are evaluated, this is perceived as a direct threat to the person himself, his being, his essence (since the senses are not separated from the person, he is identified with them). When a child is confronted with the fact that “your feeling is wrong and for this reason I will not love you,” he becomes anxious about losing the love relationship, as well as his life - for the child this is identical and fixed at the “genetic” level. And what remains to do to a child who almost literally says “I don’t like you like that”? Only one thing - to stop being what it is.
And then, for the purpose of survival, he begins to use violence against himself - to forbid himself certain feelings, desires, beliefs or actions. In general, he will do everything not to be himself. At the same time, the child learns such a model of self-relation as the only possible one, and even if years later there isn’t a person who so appreciated him and scared with the threat of hardening - the grown-up child himself will repeat this model in relationship with himself. And no longer allow yourself to be yourself. And the longing for the lost oneself will not be released. And it's good, if only a longing - there are cases, and where much more serious.
But apart from evaluating love for oneself - to love oneself “right” and not to love oneself “wrong” - one will reproduce the same model in relationships with others: to love and not love another not for your own sake, but for the sake of influencing the other. What do you think, where will such relationships lead? They will reproduce the horror that the child once experienced when he was evaluated by love and frightened by rejection - fear or anxiety will permeate not only the person “from the inside”, but all of his being around him, making his life unbearable. From such an unbearable life you want to escape. Someone will run away into various addictions, someone else will go into oblivion (chemical, alcoholic), someone else will die. Yes, death can also escape, and it is easier and faster than learning how to live without appreciating your feelings, and without evaluating yourself.
Nevertheless, it is possible. To say this is simple - a couple of minutes. This can even be understood in a couple of minutes. But to retrain yourself to treat yourself differently - it takes a lot of time. Sometimes a LOT of time, up to decades. This process can be significantly accelerated by simply observing how someone else treats without value (whether you or the other in your presence will both affect, but in different ways). Remember where you can meet people with a non-judgmental attitude?
We summarize the problems of love
As you can see, at each of the three stages (feelings, actions, assessment) a problem may arise that will affect the quality of life. Moreover, there can be problems at two stages at once, and at three at the same time and not even several at each stage. And they are solved in different ways. The important thing is that in most cases they are solved. Just as important is the fact that in some cases the solution is quick and effective, and in some cases it is long and unpleasant, even painful. With the soul as well as with the body: sometimes aspirin helps with a headache and a plaster from pain in the leg, and sometimes with a headache is sent for brain surgery, and with a pain in the leg it is sent for amputation. Exaggerated, of course, but ... Do not draw conclusions and assumptions based only on the similarity of their symptoms with the symptoms of a neighbor / relative / friend or acquaintance.
However, it is time to return to the beginning - do people know how to love? My answer is that some are able, some learn quickly, some unsuccessful and even successful attempts to love cost a lot of money, and for some it is almost impossible. Well, what's the point of generalization, if there is no one simple, clear and unambiguous answer?
The point is that big problems for a person stem from the inability to love, but even more - from the inability to hate. What the life of a person who does not know how to love sometimes turns into is very sad and tragic. But the fact that a person’s life (and his entire environment, close and not very much) who does not know how to hate can turn into is just a catastrophe. Sometimes a disaster of a personal scale, and sometimes the scale of the planet.
Again, we recall the non-judgmental perception: the feelings themselves (that of love, that of hatred, that of any other) are neither bad nor good, and an attempt to evaluate them leads to very unpleasant consequences.Moreover, the “stigmatization” of hate feelings has much more serious consequences. Above, I demonstrated how a person’s inability to deal with such a “socially acceptable” feeling as love can end. If a person does not learn to deal with his hatred - the consequences will be, as I said, catastrophic. And love and hate - feelings that give a person a very, very much energy, and for what work this energy will be spent - another question.
Могут ли поступки, которые человек свершает «от любви», быть оцененные негативно, как плохие? Такое случается сплошь и рядом – начиная с самого детства, когда ребенок от переизбытка любви творит что-то прекрасное (в его понимании) в подарок своим родителям, попутно испортив или уничтожив что-то ценное, и именно на этой потери концентрируются родители и соответственно оценивают любовь ребенка. И в поведении более зрелых людей можно найти множество примеров, когда поступки «от любви» приводят к очень серьезным и трагичным последствиям, вплоть до смерти человека. Это не секрет и открытием не станет.
Проблема ненависти
А могут ли действия, совершенные «от ненависти» быть оценены положительно? Конечно не все, тем не менее – да, они есть. Но доказать это будет весьма проблематично, поскольку если человеком двигала ненависть, но в тоге он получил социальное признание, то он будет скрывать свой мотив, ибо ненависть социально не ободряется. Причем чем заметнее признание, тем тщательнее нужно скрывать мотив ненависти, если он был – вплоть до того, что бы скрыть его от себя, забыть о нем, вытеснить его из своего сознания. По этому доказать это утверждение будет весьма проблематичным. Но это не значит что оно ошибочно.
Следующий очень важный момент: любовь прекрасно подходит для того, что бы менять себя – адаптироваться, подстраиваться, меняться, а ненависть, соответственно, – что бы менять свое окружение, окружающее пространство, мир вокруг себя. Конечно, это опять лишь мое предположение, которое мне сейчас не доказать, тем не менее… Мне видится крайне неэффективным и не экологичным, когда «энергию любви» человек направляет на изменения кого-то в своем окружении или изменении своего пространства. Посудите сами – если человек любит пространство вокруг себя или другого человека, то зачем его менять? What's the point of this? Это, скорее, наводит на мысль о том, что возможно он не очень то и любит, или любит, но не реального человека из своего окружения, а нечто другое. И пытается, таким образом, видоизменить «неправильное рядом» так, что бы оно соответствовало «правильному представлению внутри меня, которое я люблю». Иными словами – помещая реального человека в прокрустово ложе представлений о любви, и отсекая все лишнее. Причем, делая это отсечение наживо, без анестезии, и со словами о безграничной любви к тому, от кого сейчас отрезают «лишнее».
А вот ненависть как раз прекрасно подходит в качестве источника энергии для изменений окружающего человека пространства и людей в его окружении. И нет, это не значит, что человек должен начать тут же уничтожать свое окружение или делать ему больно – вспомните, ведь все то же самое можно начать делать и из любви. Ненависть потому до сих пор считается социально и лично неприемлемым явлением, что никто никого никогда не обучал ненавидеть и использовать эту энергию в конструктивных, полезных и социально приемлемых целях. Однако ненависть существует и является неотъемлемым переживанием любого человека. Но в силу повсеместного социального и личного «клеймения» ненависти – нормальным считается максимально отгородиться от этого чувства. Но это никак не поможет человеку с ним справиться и тем более направить в конструктивное русло. И более того – приводит к неконтролируемым проявлениям ненависти в адрес самого себя (что уничтожает человека изнутри) или в адрес окружения.
А поскольку все это (и чувства, и действия, и оценка ненависти) человеку неприятны – он стремиться избежать ответственности за них. И с удовольствием делегирует ее тем, кто будет использовать их личную ненависть в своих корыстных целях. Соберите и возглавьте пару десятков человек, которые не умеют обходиться со своей ненавистью, избегают ответственности за нее и с нетерпением делегируют ее вам – и вот они уже с упоением устраивают погромы по велению лишь тонких ваших намеков. Пару сотен – уже митинг, пару тысяч – уже революция. А восьмая часть страны – уже война.
Так и скажите теперь, пожалуйста – если бы люди умели ненавидеть, не избегали бы ответственности за свою ненависть, умели бы ее направлять в конструктивное русло по осознанному изменению окружающего пространства и не позволяли бы кому-то другому руководить их ненавистью – каким бы стал мир тогда?..
Вот, собственно и все что я хотел сказать. Ненависть – не есть что-то ужасное, что нужно «клеймить и выжигать» или с чем нужно бороться. Наоборот – именно эта борьба и приводит к столь печальным последствиям, которые приписывают ненависти. Свою ненависть можно понять, принять, и научаться с ней обходиться. Да, сделать это будет еще тяжелее, чем научиться любить. Но потому эта задача не менее, а может даже и более важная. Кроме того – существенная часть «проблем любви» находит свое разрешение только через адекватное обхождение со своей ненавистью. Закончу простым пожеланием: учитесь любить и брать ответственность за свою любовь – это поможет Вам изменить себя к лучшему, учитесь ненавидеть и брать ответственность за свою ненависть – это поможет Вам изменить мир к лучшему.
Source: https://habr.com/ru/post/410485/